


Depends On Which Damn Dog You Live With

by Rhidee



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Arguing, Autistic Benrey (Half-Life), Failed Friendships, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I mean i tried to end it kinda bittersweet but eh, Morality, Title is from Straw House Straw Dog by richard siken, Unhealthy Relationships, but don't worry about it too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:22:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28422390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhidee/pseuds/Rhidee
Summary: The treehouse was cut in half by the light from the window.  Both of them sat in the dim, opposite sides.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman
Kudos: 20





	Depends On Which Damn Dog You Live With

The treehouse had no ladder, just the rough bark of the tree and a hole for entry.

“I can’t remember! I don’t know what I was thinking! It all falls out of my brain like smoothed out Velcro, it all crumbles up and I just! Don’t! Know!”

Benrey looked somewhere between crying and exploding, between liquifying and catching aflame. The sweet voice slipping out of his throat when he raised his voice was popping on the ceiling, sending droplets down. Magenta droplets staining the floor.

Gordon looked down and aside, stared at the blanket rumpled up in the corner.

“Do you really think that saves you?”

Benrey flinches, rears up.

“Yes.”

Gordon looked Benrey in the eye. It hurt.

“Really? You think that’s enough- some, forgetfulness? Forgetting what you were doing? Do you think that fucking- you’re not redeemable! You’re not fixable! You can’t undo shit! Just-“ Gordon tugged at his hair. “Fuck you, man.”

“I can’t do anything better! I- I- bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb- fuck YOU gordon JACKASSman. You want me to- oh no, I was born EVIL, I was made BAD so now I’m ONLY bad- screw you! You- no fucking controller? No fucking- none of us have the controller?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Benrey pulled his beanie down and practically spit it out.

“You can’t- badness isn’t INATE. I refuse that- I refuse to- You don’t get to sit here and fucking…. Fucking just cast this shit on me, that just cause of how YOU feel about me, just cause what happened with YOU was…..bad. You don’t get to fucking- blame me for this, to say I’m nothing…..fuck! To say I’m nothing more- I’m more, I’m- things that aren’t from you! Protagonist syndrome idiot!”

Gordon scoffed.

There was a dent on the wall from where Coomer bent wood to build it. There was a soda can smushed into the window, bent and permanent, from Tommy getting bored. There was ash set aside from something Bubby had burnt. A bubble blower on the makeshift table that was used to blow bubbles down to Joshua, safer below. They were surrounded by the ghosts of other people who cared about them. 

They were alone.

Gordon wanted to throw shit. Gordon often wanted to throw shit. Something about black mesa made him realize that you could actually throw shit and some people still wouldn’t hate you. It was allowed sometimes. It felt good. He didn’t throw anything. He didn’t want to be like that. But he thought maybe if he did, Benrey might forgive him for it later. He took that for granted.

“You’re not getting my forgiveness, Benrey.” Gordon sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“I never said I wanted it.” Benrey said, glaring. They did a little frustrated motion, throwing their hands down and stepping farther away from Gordon, back pressed up on the wall by the window.

“All you do is- assume what I want, fuckin….” Benrey trailed off. 

The treehouse was cut in half by the light from the window. Both of them sat in the dim, opposite sides. 

Benrey was just…tired. It felt like no matter what they did, it always came to this. Him and Gordon, arguing. He just wanted to be friends- and okay, yeah, he wasn’t Good at it, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t Good at all. He was-overly friendly? Maybe? Benrey still wasn’t too sure. It worked for everyone else, but Gordon…Just wasn’t the same. They communicated differently. And Gordon was just So hard to understand, whenever Benrey thought he had it nailed down something else would happen. And he never just said shit! Sometimes he said things as a joke and they sounded so serious, and sometimes he wasn’t joking but he’d laugh, and it was so confusing.

Benrey…wasn’t sure it was worth it to try, anymore. He thought maybe he wasn’t enough, that he couldn’t be stretched out enough to meet Gordon halfway. Or maybe that Gordon was making him stretch more than half way, that Gordon was demanding he stretched until he broke. And Benrey was…tired of breaking. He was just…tired.

Across the sunlight, Gordon was thinking too.

Gordon didn’t get it. He had made himself so vulnerable to Benrey- and had put up with so much of his- his bullshit that it was amazing he even managed to keep his head on straight. All Benrey did was say shit rudely, and pretend to not understand things, and just act all hostile. All Benrey did was trample over his boundaries, and it didn’t matter how many times he politely hinted for Benrey to fuck off, he just kept trucking through! It was so inconsiderate that it drove Gordon up the fucking wall.

The world wasn’t good guys and bad guys. Gordon was old enough to know that. But it…felt like it was. And it was easy to think that way. And Benrey- Benrey was bad, had done bad, did not deserve forgiveness. Benrey was literally the stereotypical villain! Weird, inhuman, thoughtlessly cruel. Gordon remembered the way Benrey’s form had distorted, had stretched and compacted with meaty sounds, sounds nothing on earth should ever make.

It just…wasn’t right. Nothing should exist like that. Benrey Was inherently flawed, long before he hurt Gordon. He was so inhuman as to be impossible to compare, a sort of ‘what is morality to a storm’ situation. Gordon wasn’t sure he even had feelings- oh sure, he was emoting, but lots of things mimicked other things. Benrey was… an uncanny valley, lined with teeth. And Gordon was tired of jumping chasms. No- he wanted Benrey to jump for him this time.

But Benrey wasn’t. Benrey stood up. He seemed wispy, for a chubby guy. Just something in his angles, on his edges, that made him seem like a pocketful of daggers and a spiderweb all at once. Maybe Gordon was getting too poetic with it. 

Benrey didn’t look Gordon in the eyes, but they looked right at his nose. Fuck Freeman-this was enough.

“I don’t want to be your friend. Not anymore.”

Gordon made an offended face, and went to open his mouth.

Benrey just quietly left, clipping down to the ground.

“What the- Listen what are you- Benrey!”

Gordon was alone. 

And Benrey? He was happy. Or he would be.

He had time.

**Author's Note:**

> Me, getting in a happy and healthy relationship and learning to be safe in my skin: Hm actually i need to cope *writes breakup fics for a year*


End file.
